I am obviously having a horrible case of cycling through by Bipolar again. It's going so fast I can't quite keep a good hold on it, which is frustrating because it hasn't been this bad since high school. Yeah- I'm annoyed.

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Kathy should like, go fall off the face of the Earth or something. Along with all of the people like her. THE WORLD WOULD BE SUCH A BETTER PLACE.

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People also need to stop being so sensitive. I can not be snippy with you if I've spoken less than two sentences all day. Wanna complain to management to me about that? Fine. Someday I'll just be telling them about how you spend twenty minutes or more talking to people every time you take out a pallet.

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New Toshiba laptop- ALL IS FORGIVEN. Okay, LJ still looks kinda weird and cropping is as weird as I thought it'd be, but HOLY CRAP you're so much speedier than my old laptop! Downloading Photoshop always took at least four hours, but with you I had it in twenty minutes! (loves on)

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I picked up Brook from One Piece at a RP here on LJ. I had to drop Agent Bishop at the TT one due to stress and time issues, but this one has a bit of a slower pace. I'm having so much fun, though. I can tell I need to work on him some, though. I don't think I'm doing too horribly though (I hope...?), so there's at least that. :D

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I miss my mother. And even my stepdad, sometimes. I'm afraid of talking to most other people. I've been thinking about moving back with them for a few months- I could transfer to another Walmart and save up some money. Without bills, I'd be able to help them out some too.

Not going to happen until at least January though (I'm sticking around for the bonus check at my Walmart, kthnx). We'll see if I'm still up for it by then.

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One of my icons won first place at this week's op_ic icontest! I was so surprised! I've gotten several of the Mod's Choice awards, and last time I got a third place, but never a first! On top of that, one of my other icons won for the Special Category (Best Crop), so I am pleased. ^_^

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Because of the events of last year where the Walmart worked got trampled to death on Black Friday, Walmart will be open all day on Thanksgiving now. So we don't get half days off now.

Sometimes customers disgust me. In addition to the absolute horror of how selfish some of those people acted at that store when the poor guy died, now they get rewarded with having more time to shop. On top of that, we have to work with them longer while they're at their worst. WTF.

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Watched Ice Age 3 finally. Ah, I loved the first one. None of the sequels have been on the same level, but at least they're still entertaining. As for this one- BUCK. He made the movie, I swear.

Manny: Just when exactly did you lose your mind?
Buck: About three months ago. I woke up married to a pineapple. An ugly pineapple. *sighs happily* But I loved her so...

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I locked myself out of my house today. After having no luck picking the lock, I remembered that one of the windows was open and decided to try and open it. Unfortunately, as I was pushing up against it, I stumbled and ended up breaking the glass and cutting myself open while I was at it. It's very annoying to have your hands covered in blood and no way to wash them off for an hour. Besides how much colder they get in this weather, it's worse when you're trying very hard not to get blood all over your neighbor's door.

I cleaned it as best as I could though, and I have some nice thick bandaids. It was only a tiny cut, just deep and fairly wide. If I don't keep the bandaids on, whenever I go to grab something it splits right back open and that is getting really annoying really fast. If it doesn't stop doing that by tomorrow I'm just going to superglue it.

Also, the broken window sucks and will probably cost more than a locksmith would have (fifty bucks). I AM BROKE. I have to call the landlord tomorrow, but I'm hoping he'll let me wait until I get paid next to do it.

Times like these I wish the television stations would come through to my little basement. Bored as I am at times, it would be lovely to just switch on the tube and channel surf until I found something interesting. Or watch Conan O'Brien again. Or any show, really. The Internet only gets me so far.

Don't know what to think of my days off anymore. I love the break from work, but at the same time I have little to do with my free time. It consists mainly of reading, laptop, and sleep. And grumbling whenever my grandmother tries to make me doing something I don't want to do (you'd think living on my own would put her in her place some, but not really). Such as earlier today when I decided not to go to the driving class because I'd been up sick until an hour before it was to begin and she wanted me to go anyway. Or how when I explained I'd make up the dirving part (not the class) tomorrow before work and she tried to talk me into doing both.

Got kinda sick of this awhile ago. I hold the reigns now, so I'm tired of the negotiations. I should get to decide what's what... even if that means deciding to do nothing. Which probably doesn't make sense in the long run, but that's my choice too.

Getting back to that, it leaves me with this odd desire to do nothing and everything all at once. Stay in the cave vs. going out to do whatever I want and etc. Which only tends to lead to an unpleasant mix of the two in which I spend way too much time thinking. I've come to hate thinking. It's never gotten me far.

Such as my situation with my cat. My landlord has suggested to me (and my other neighbors) that we should get rid of the animals. Technically none were approved of and the leases did state pets weren't allowed. He didn't mind so much, but I guess one neighbor's dog caused some property damage and my cat's still making noise, so he thinks they should go.

I don't quite know what to do with her. She's still being quite a pest lately, even though I have been giving her more attention. Broken more stuff too- glasses, plates, and very nearly the VCR of all things- as well as put some scratches on my bedroom door. It'll probably be the best if I give her up, but I don't know how. I refuse to take her to the pound- they have enough cats as it is, and few find homes. I don't want to just throw her outside either though, as that would seem pretty cruel. But I don't know anyone who wants a cat either. Gah. Got a week to decide.

...Geez, am I rambling enough? Note to self: learn to pick a topic and stay with it.

Got a verbal coaching (like a talking-to, 'cept it actually goes on record) at work yesterday. Management isn't impressed with my productivity and time-management. It wasn't like a serious thing at all, but my brain was in its I-don't-know-if-I-want-to-be-manic-or-depressed-today mood which always makes me more stressable and thus I was lead to inward panic.

Outside of what I was getting coached on, I actually remember very little of what was being said. I was very distracted by this inner monologue I had going which pretty much consisted of me threatening myself with death if I actually started crying and reminding myself that this is the way life fucking works in adulthood, so it's time to grow up now.

Worse was that I wanted to defend myself so very badly. It's part of the Passive-Agressive thing, I think (or one of the bunch anyways). Someone criticizes me and I go on defensive. Tell me there's something I need to improve on? Oh, I can do that. That's no big- we all need to improve some. But tell me I'm wrong? Disregard everything I've done to get as far as I have and tell me I'm not good enough? I immediately start doing nothing but finding things that contradict everything you say because it can't be truth.

But I was told going in that I wasn't being singled out. That this wasn't an attack on me or anything like that. Not a big deal at all. Getting defensive would make it a big deal. So somehow I managed to pull enough self-control out of my butt to keep it at just the small situation it was and not let it get any bigger than that. I'm going to count that as improvement moving into the adult world.

Okay, so despite that I'm still a freaking baby and couldn't stop one or two tears. Yes, it's pathetic. Yes, it's embarassing and unprofessional. Alas- you win some and you lose some.

Went home switching back and forth between being furious with myself and pissed off at management until I could distract myself and calm down. First came disxox with nicer subjects (Dis, you really do have this lovely knack for showing up just in time to help me battle my inner emo), and then today, which was spent Tetris'ing, watching Voyager, and reading Deadpool and Cable and Deadpool comics (I'm loving that last one more than I thought I would). And then looking once again for more good Deadpool fic and actually finding three more (with Cable, even!). So now I'm finally back to my usual reclusive but at least somewhat sane self again.

Thus once again proving that  my self-medicated doses of escapism comics/television still work out better for me than the pill cocktails. Really, I think it should be a considered treatment. They could write a prescription for it and everything.
 

Muah. Here's all of the little things that have slipped any previous posts by my own forgetfulness. I shall try and keep them short, for fear of having an entry that can be wrapped around the middle of the world.

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Thoughts on new co-workers:

I've known Patrick since starting at Wal*Mart. Uber nice guy- he was a cashier before this. Working with him more now is kinda weird though... but in a good way. Sorta. It's actually really hard to describe. In short, I've never met someone as sincerely happy as he is. The guy's never down, even when he says he's bummed about something. The glass isn't just full with him, it's like full of liquid sunshine and rainbows. Someone asked him yesterday where he gets all of his energy from and I kid you not, his answer was 'happiness'.

...Poor guy gets thrown into the ICS. The rest of us don't 'do' happy. XD

Anyways, worked with Jesse a few times before. He was also a cashier. Working with him for the past few weeks has given me enormous respect for him. He's everything I've wanted back there since forever. He's very pleasant to work with, and very attentive. In the first few days, whenever he was attempting something, he'd ask if it was right, or if I had any suggestions- all kinds of stuff. He's great at stacking and is already starting to get into the groove of how we behave around one another. Example from yesterday yet again, when Billy was getting some pallets down for everyone when we were doing picks:

Billy: Which pallet do you need, little girl?
Jesse: 24B- B as in 'bigmouth'.

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Last Wednesday I woke up to my cell ringing. I answered it and was informed by my grandma that I needed to be ready for her to pick me up in an hour as she'd signed me up for driver's training.

Yeah. I wtf'ed.

Anyways, went down to the DMV. Lady there is a bitch. I have to take the test for my permit again on Tuesday, and apparently I need an ID that was issued to me in 2004 to get it. What the hell? I never needed that thing for my last permit. Secondly, it would look nothing like me anymore with five years passed. And lastly- no one knows where it is. Ugh. Hope she isn't there when tomorrow.

But yeah. After that affair I went down to the high school and had to sit in a room with thirty other high school brats. Oy, it was painful. Good reminder for why I ended up home schooling myself. But I do appear to be getting special treatment. Schedules were handed out later in the day showing when classes are (my days off, out of luck) and when the driving groups will be driving. These groups don't tend to be on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and are actually split up all over the place. I went to talk to her later to point out that thosedays with those times wouldn't work for me no matter which driving group I was in, and found out she was making an exception for me due to work. I just get to drive with whoever. XD

One thing I'm not very pleased with though is the bill. Not nice to learn that I have to fork up $145 an hour after waking.

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Am going to visit mom Tuesday after driver's ed. Will be staying up there until Thursday, when my stepdad will bring me home before work. He's also picking me up. Translation: I have between when I get off work until then to get the house looking decent. (FEAR)

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Operation: Birthday was a partial success. The people who threatened me with songs and the like were mostly avoided. Found out later that Billy had convinced them that the best way to grant my 'birthday wish' would be to not do the birthday things. Was rather grateful.

Later however, my birthday was again announced- this time at the overnight meeting (which we missed due to the arrival of a frozen truck). Later, when I was taking out other pallets on the grocery side, someone noticed me and said happy birthday. This alerted everyone else there that I was in the vicinity, upon which they all came out one by one to say it as well. XD

Later:

Pi: (embarassed) Thank you.
Aaron: Waitasec. How come you don't get mad at them when they say it, but you bite our heads off?
Pi: Because you know better.
Billy: Oh what the hell.

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Same day Billy said something interesting to me.

Billy: You know it's not a big deal if someone wants to do something for your birthday. It's actually kind of a nice thing. It makes you feel appreciated by your friends.

I've spent the last several years under the impression that I have no friends (in real life). Well, one friend... but she's still away in the Dominican Republic. It's gotten to the point where I really can't remember just how people become friends. Is it really that simple? I still find it all confusing.

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Jen is back from vacation. She is a million shades of awesome. Twice in a row now, I have been chosen to sort break packs andscan electronics over Kathy. Pure win.

Best thing is that Kathy's throwing a fit over it. That's supposedly 'her thing', and she was never happy when I was even asked to help her at times after she learned I do it too. She's been really nasty lately, but I could care less. MUAH. I win.

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Twice now, happy news completely unrelated to me has made me have brief moments of emo. I don't think this says anything nice about my character.

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I've started playing Bishop over at TT officially.  It's oresome. XD

Seriously. We go back there and all you can see are his legs kicking around trying to find purchase on the pallet he fell off of and get back. I'm trying to remember the events as well as I can, because it was seriously funny. (Note: 'Ohmygod' and 'are you shitting me?' are two of Billy's many catchphrases. He also typically wears a baseball cap backwards when we're in the backroom) 

Biily: Ahh! Help! I'm stuck!
Kathy: You said 'you got it'!
Billy: Well I thought I did! Now I think I'm in deeper! (legs flail about)
Eveyone: (comes into truck) (start laughing as we realize what's going on)
Billy: It's not funny! This fucking hurts! My elbow's all jammed up against the wall, and if I fall down any further I think I'm gonna break my iPod! Paul! Come help me!
Paul: Ha! (walks out of the truck)
Billy: Are you shittin' me?!
Everyone: (continues to laugh)
Billy: Ohmygod, you guys are mean!
Jen: Gimme a second! (controls self and moves over to help) (tries) Ah! You're too heavy!
Billy: I am not! I've lost ten pounds working here!
Jen: (puts him down a little while I come over to help)
Billy: AHH! Don't do that! You'll crush my iPod!
Jen: Oh, cry me a river!
Pi: (is still laughing when she arrives to help)
Billy: (after a few minutes is pulled out of hole) Ohmygd, my hat fell off! (dives back in)
Pi: Oh what the hell!
Jen: We are not fishing you back out if you fall in again!
Billy: ... (considers) Hold my feet! (reaches down) (we do so) Yes! Got it! Hat- check. iPod- not broken. We're good!

And of course, we were still laughing at him later. XD

Oh, and no worries. He was good with it. I mean, he was laughing himself, so he wasn't like mad that we were. ^_^

Anyways. Noticing some other really odd switches my brain's pulled on me. Like wanting to get to bed two hours earlier than what's become my usual, or spending less time online. All of a sudden too. Good things, of course, but very strange in how suddenly they occurred.

That said, I'm tired now. (collapses)




 

I kinda rode along the low mood for most of the day. Slept a great deal, moped around some, and played Spider Solitaire until my laptop froze.

But believe it or not, I'm feeling much better now. I found that the person in question last night wasn't who I thought it was, and it really did go a long way in cheering me up. Not to mention the comments and messages I received to the entry. (hugs everyone) Thanks guys.

So now I'm taking advantage of my new userpic space. ^_^ As you can see, the icon featured here is one of my new ones. I'm putting them up slowly, as I decide which ones I want. I'll put up a few of the completed ones tomorrow, perhaps.

This one here I just spent the last three hours making. Yes, I know I already have quite a few Leo icons already (like you expected any less of me XD), but damn it all, I needed more. And now that I have several images in one icon right there... well, I should at least be able to narrow any other Leo pics quite a bit. XD

And

mister_moshi

Well, I didn't get any writing done like I'd wanted to today, though it can't entirely be blamed on lack of trying. My stepdad had a lot of chorse for me and my sibs today, so there wasn't much time for anything, really.

I did make a post for a small RP over at TT. Not the big, amazing one- but this small, fun little chibi one. Bwahaha... much fun. I know Kame (who needs an LJ account XD) liked it.

I'm really wanting a manic episode right about now. Doesn't need to be anything overwhelmingly high- just enough to get my muse going again. I've been thinking about triggers, however, I'm not entirely interested in calling my father up and starting an argument. >.< I'm afraid all of my other triggers are quite random, so it'd be quite difficult to produce one.

Ever since a certain anonymous poster came back, I've been really screwed up in the head. Most of you know by now, but if you don't, I happen to have a lovely combo of crazy in the head. Bipolar, OCD, and Passive-Agressive Disorder are three lovely flavors I offer.

The Bipolar and OCD run in the family. I was diagnosed back in middle school, and the third as a Freshman. I was put on medication in the eighth grade, if memory serves correctly. I do think it worked for a little while, but I can also say for certain that at one point it ceased in its usefullness. Didn't matter- everyone else could notice the 'improvement' so I had to keep on it. Mwahaha... sorta. I went haphazard on them towards the end of my sophomore year- more so as I got older. Eventually, I was just taking them in the weeks before and after my scheduled doctor appointments. After I left Dad's, I tried to keep on them for a month or so, but eventually reverted back to my old ways. I stopped taking them all together months ago (with the exception of the thirty days rule). When I ran out, I told my parents but no one's been to refill them. So I'm off completely now.

First thing I noticed is that I don't cycle as much through my highs and lows anymore. I've never met another person like me in this regards- most Bipolar people cycle a few times throughout the year. Four or more episodes is considered to be rapid cycling. Ultradian cycling is what I experienced when I cycled. This is characterized with several distinct shifts in a day or two.

As I said, that stopped around the time I went off my meds. Around the time I stopped going to dad's.

But then this anonymois commenter came back. And as I've mentioned before, I know who they are now. All of a sudden, I'm cycling again and it isn't fun. Been doing so for the past few days, actually. Had four swings within two hours today.

Always lovely. Not.

Mom has always wanted me to read up on my illnesses to better understand them. What little info I know though has been gained listening in on conversations or through lectures. I read everything but the things relating to me. Because I've always had this viewpoint that I'm insane and that's all I need to know.

But as I've been so messed up these past few days... I finally got curious. So I took a ppek over at Wikipedia and found this:

Some studies have suggested a significant correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder. Though studies consistently show a positive correlation between the two, the exact nature of the relationship between the disorder and creativity is still relatively unclear. One study indicated increased striving for and attainment of goals and achievements was correlated with onset of manic symptoms. While the disorder affects people differently, individuals with bipolar disorder tend to be much more outgoing and daring than individuals without bipolar disorder. The disorder is also found in a large number of people involved in the arts. It is an ongoing study as to why many creative geniuses have bipolar disorder.

If I'm looking at the symptoms correctly, I haven't had a real manic period for a while, whereas I used to have them daily.

So, in some strange way, this explains why I haven't been writing much lately. O.o So strange...

Well, perhaps tomorrow I'll get something done. For right now, I shifted over to a low and find myself tired already. (sigh)

Oh yay! Summer storm outside. ^_^ (feels a little better)

(needs more clickies, please)

I'm feeling... kinda weird right now. Well, more like for the past few days.

I just... don't really want to do anything. I've done some appointments for work, but I didn't have any for today. Nor did I make any for tomorrow, which is pretty bad (so much for my Fast Start >.<). I really need to make some phone calls tomorrow. I'd like to make at least another five hundred dollars in sales before Monday. I want to earn the prize at the $1500 level (the Slicer). I hope I can do it...

But yeah, it's basically like nothing is interesting me right now. I don't want to do any chores (I need to, though. My stepdad comes home tomorrow). I don't really want to do that much with the planning for my graduation party (got the invitations today- and we're having the party at a pizza company). I don't want to write or work on my AMV's. I've been playing a lot of Hearts, but I don't really want to do that anymore either.

I'm going insane here. I just want to... Gah. I don't even know what I want. I wish I could do something fun, but the things I consider fun are giving me no joy right now.

(sigh) People are always telling me I need to get out more. Wish I could. Don't really have the money for something fun. And... just walking to places is probably twice as bad. I come home tired and end up sleeping all day.

Sleep is just about the only thing I want to do. In the mornings, anyways. I've been staying up until four or five these last few days, then getting up at nine to call in for work. I take a quick catnap after that, but that's it. The I just... sit around.

This is one of the few times when I wish I had some more friends in real life. As it is, there's just one. And I only see her about three times a year, if I'm lucky.

Just wish someone would come over and do something with me. I'm getting so tired of this...

All right. So it's about two in the morning my time. Nothing strange- for months now, I've been staying up as late as  four or five; every once in a while just skipping the whole sleep thing and just take a nap instead. I've given up on having a normal sleep/wake schedule. For that matter, a healthy eating schedule too- I pretty much just snack now.

Anyways, it's early in the morning and I'm freaking bored. I should use this time to write, I know, but my muse has left me again. I'm in a bit of a funk- I kinda had to go back on my meds and now I'm messed up. I honestly think all they do is put me in a pissy and/or crummy mood. I can't sit down and write when I'm like this, and sadly the moment I come out of it, I'm thrown back in again. Which sucks because I so want to write again. I think that I've improved and now that I'm a decent enough writer, I want to be steady like I used to.

And of course I can't be. (sigh)

Still bored. Typically, I'd be spending this time RP'ing with my friend Sandy at Stealthy Stories. Our RPG is nothing compared to this oresome one I read, but I have a lot of fun doing it. So much fun, it's what you'd usually find me doing at this hour. My RP partner happens to live in Finland- eight hours into my future. Even so, we're on at practically the same times all the time in two different slots. The other day, I RP'ed for eight hours straight, took a nap, and then came back for another four.

I'll admit, that day was unusually long. Usually we only do four hours in each slot. Even so, her dad's getting mad at her for all the time she's spending online, so she can't really come on at this time anymore. To which I weep. Because now I have like nothing to do.

Well, nothing but look at the final results for the Fanfiction Competition. Have I mentioned what a headache it's been giving me? Everyone has their own rights to choose what fics they like, I know- it's one of the things I love about the comp. Only thing is, it frustrates me when I see a totally awesome fic losing to something craptastic. I keep on waiting for more good ballots to come in, but time is running out.

Hey! Any of you reading this who hasn't voted yet, what are you waiting for? :D You only have until Sunday, you know!

Oh alas... what else to talk about. I don't know. I wish I could come up with something interesting.

Well, I'm off to further destroy me health. I want a Zinger, dammit, and I don't care what time it is!

Title: What Never Happened
Characters: Raphael, April (some Leo)
Prompt: #61 - Winter 
Word Count: 2,895
Rating: PG-13
Author's Notes: I wrote this last year. On Stealthy Stories, we were challenged to write a story where Raph wasn’t the seducer in a love interest... and I'd been thinking about Tales of Leo at the time. I figure this fits for the prompt nicely as it takes place in the Winter. Enjoy!

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